Jokes from the FIDO-Net
Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers....
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers....
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers....
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like laxatives....
they irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like parking spots....
the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
A man is like a snowstorm....
you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how
long it will last
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What makes a man chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
Why are men like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
We don't know, it hasn't happened yet.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident.
He finds himself being sized up by God...
``Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.''
Bill replied, Well, what's the difference between the two?
God said, I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it
will help your decision.
Fine, but where should I go first?
I'll leave that up to you. Okay then, said Bill, let's try Hell first.
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
``This is great'', he told God. ``If this is hell, I really want to see heaven.''
``Fine,'' said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. ``Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell.'' He told God.
`` Fine,'' retorted God, ``as you desire''.
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how
he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to wall
screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by
`` How's everything going?'' he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
``This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two
weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the
`` Oh'', God said, ``that was Hell 3.1. This is HELL 95 !''
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for
the planned Windows 2000:
1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into a little Oklahoma town and saw a
rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: Dawgs cain't talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright.
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses cain't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk) Them sheep
ain't nothin but liars!!!
"Good programers don't comment their code. If it was hard
to write, it should be hard to read!" Bill Gates.
Did you hear that the Polish government bought a thousand septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.
Did you hear about the new Polish drink?
Perrier and club soda.
Why does the Pole always take a dime along on his dates?
So if he can't come,
he can call.
A Pole suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow
her movements.Sure enough, his suspicions were justified.
Coming home from work early,he burst into the bedroom,
catching his wife and lover in the act, and, crazed with
grief, he put the pistol to his own head.
`Don't laugh!' he shouted when his wife
began to giggle. `You're next!'
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds whichthey
were certain was the Missing Link. The proof of their
theory, though, required that a human mate with the ape in
order to see what characteristics the progeny would take
on. So they put an ad in the paper.
`$5000 to Mate with Ape.'
The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad and
saidhe'd be willing to be part of the experiment. `But,'
he said, `I have three conditions.' The scientists agreed
to hear him out.
`First - My wife must never know.'
`Second - The children must be raised as Catholics.'
`Third - If I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested.'
Ever see the Polish sex manual?
REPEAT IF NECESSARY
How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole?
The garbage has been eaten and the dog is pregnant.
A young Polish girl was hitchhiking along the Interstate, and a big semi
pulled over to pick her up. The driver was a serious CB
addict, and the dashboard boasted an enormous CB radio.
`That's the best radio ever made,' he explained to the bug-
`You can talk anywhere in the world with it.'
`No kidding,' she gasped. `Boy, I would really love to
talk to my mother in Poland.'
`I would give anything to talk to my mother in Poland'
`Anything?' he asked.
`Anything,' she assured him.
`Well maybe we can work something out,' he leered, pulling
his cock, by this time erect, out of his pants. So the
girl leaned over, bent down, and said loudly, `HELLO, MOM'
Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free.
What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
What's a Jewish dilemma?
Whats the definition of a queer Jew?
Someone who likes girls more than money.
How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?
Yeah, from sneaking into
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Last update 10.03.2003 -- Copyright © by Wolfgang